The Greatest Evil
by dave-d
Summary: Tongue in cheek one shot story. The villains of the FMP series all get together to plan the most frightful attack yet. Not a story for folks who take things too seriously.


**A/N:**

_This story will not please those readers who are into yaoi, shōjo-ai, yuri, shōnen-ai, and the kind of rape and murder stories that seem to grow more prevalent every day, even though it is done tongue-in-cheek. So, no complaints if someone chooses to read further, since I've made that point clear up front.This story reflects my personal view on things, as is _my_ right. Others may have a completely different view on things, which is _their_ right._

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The smoke filled room at the rear of the wharf was off limits to anyone with a will to live.

Rats crept across the corpses of fishermen and undercover agents who made a mistake of wandering into the meeting of Full Metal Panic villains.

A number of Arastols shambled about, hidden beneath large-brimmed floppy hats and grime-stained trench coats. One of them occasionally acted much like a flasher, much to its creator's dismay. Someone had soiled his brilliance by managing to hack into the control systems.

A pair of female assassins rushed towards the rickety front door, one holding a long blade and the other a short knife. Before they could attack an uninvited guest, they were shouldered aside by two male assassins.

"I _really_ need to shoot someone," a crazed balding man with long hair said. "This is all just too much." He watched as the assassins Fei Hung and Fei Jao from the manga tussled with the soulless women Yu Lan and Yu Fan from the newest anime. The latter had taken the place of the former, for reasons that are not too hard to guess.

"Don't look at _me," _an attractive woman in an A.S. suit said, rolling her eyes. She was closely followed by a young teenage boy who kept flicking anxious glances in her direction. "You might try _her." _She pointed over at an insane looking woman in police clothing who had burst into the room, a submachine gun in each hand.

"She's my guest," a deep and amused voice called out. A burly looking man walked up, a week's worth of stubble decorating his square jar. "Any one who doesn't think she's villain enough can walk outside and chat with me about it." That offer carried the finality of dirt being shoveled on top of a casket.

"Pony pony pony…" A strange fellow with a horse's head walked in, carrying a large brush and a roll of hair ribbon._ "_Pony pony po_-neeee-eee-ee-e_…" His eyes went very wide, when he saw a girlish looking young man with long silvery hair. "**Pony!"**

"Shit," the rough-looking man put his hand to his forehead. "I draw the line at that kind of crap." He smiled. "Free-for-all, children…"

The assassins rushed to remove the Pony Man from the story and from his life. That did not sit well with the crazed balding character who was looking at a book filled with pictures of kittens and chipmunks. He was the same man who had spoken up earlier. "He could have done my hair!"

"Let's move to the other side of the building," a young woman said. Her fellow gang members quickly shied away from the cheerful lunatic. "I'd rather hang with the Ryuujinkai."

"Wait a minute. Leave me alone. I don't know how I got here." A frantic teenage boy fell down hard, tripping over a large roll of old fishing nets. "I'm not a bad guy, really!" He swallowed hard, realizing that wasn't exactly the best thing to admit at the moment.

"He he he _heeee-eee-ee-e_…" The balding man rubbed his hands together. "That one is mine. No one will miss him."

"Never mind," the apparent leader of the meeting said. "He's not worth our time. Kashim stuffed his head down a toilet, and he ran off like a little girl." He smiled. "Then again. Yu Fan… you never had a boyfriend… why don't you go for a moonlit stroll with young Shirai…" The young man ran off, trailed by one of the female assassins. "I _really _hate comic relief…" He tossed a Bonta-Kun doll to the strange man, and then uncharacteristically shuddered while watching his subsequent sick actions.

"What about _him_ then," the young man with the flowing locks motioned towards a small wizened man cradling a carved wooden koi statue he had found in a corner of the building. "He was obviously comic relief." He looked about the room. "I suppose that _anyone_ who showed up in that bunch of side stories could be considered the same way…"

"**Fumo fumo!" **Gates shrieked. In some ways, he was the comic relief of TSR. He didn't mind that fact in the slightest.

"Let the old man be," the leader said, a smirk on his face. "I kind of feel a kinship with him. Besides, it's probably not too wise to mess with a man with a chainsaw."

Various members of Amalgam took a few steps back from the janitor when he began talking to he fish sculpture. His eyes seemed to glow with an inhuman light.

"Someone can take out _those_ idiots, though." The unshaven man pointed at a bunch of Mikihara henchmen, who by reason of their having been the heavies in one Fumoffu episode and the good guys in another, kept running in and out of one door, slamming it behind them. The eager assassins sighed when they heard the sound of a chainsaw starting up.

"Good for you, Pops." The leader bit off the end of a cigar and lit it. "Let's get the role call done." He grinned. "You all know _me, _of course." It was Gauron. "Bruno, you worthless sack of shit, do something right for a change."

"Yes Mister Gauron." Vincent Bruno pushed his glasses up further on his nose and started calling out names.

"Leonard Testarossa… Mister Silver…"

"Here." Leonard sighed. He really didn't want to be there. It was especially bad since he now seemed to inexplicably be in a subordinate role to Gauron, aka Mister Iron.

"Gates…"

"**You betcha!" **The crazed balding man began marching about to some mental tune of his own invention.

"Zaido…"

"I'm here," a young man said, brushing some cobwebs off of his A.S. suit.

"Seina…"

"I'm standing right in front of you," the A21 member said.

"Takuma…"

"H-H-Here." The boy moved closer to Seina.

"Hey… kid… know what?" Gauron chuckled. "The girl is not really your sister."

"_Oooo-oo-oh_… I wanted to tell him that…" Gates flashed Gauron a look of hatred. He then smiled, seeing the blank look on the terrorist boy's face.

"Gwen…"

"Here," a man in a Mithril uniform answered.

"Dannigan…"

"Me too." Another traitor dressed in a similar outfit.

"Wakana…"

"You couldn't keep me away." The crazed police woman rubbed her hands together and then licked her lips.

"Akutsu Mari and gang…"

"_Oi!" _The girl's answer was followed by a few remarks from her fellow gang members.

"Oonuki Zenji…"

The janitor revved the engine on his chainsaw a couple of times in response.

The list continued for a short while longer, mainly bit players and background people. When Bruno finished, Gauron took out a combat knife and tossed it, cutting a rope. A large rubberized cloth swung down, serving as a screen. He then nodded to Zaido, who started a projector going. The lights went out. Various scenes from the Full Metal panic anime and manga danced in front of their eyes.

"**Keep your hand off me, freak!" **Wakana's voice was followed by a loud thud.

"_Oooo-oo-ops_… my mistake…" Gates said. "I thought you might be that boy. Easy mistake to make…" He pulled a gun at the same moment the woman did. Their standoff ended when the mentally imbalanced man began making hand shadows on the screen. "This one's a puppy…"

"So, now I will get to the reason I called you all together." Gauron blew smoke over into Leonard's face. He frowned when one of the Arastol's turned on a fan unit and sucked the noxious fumes away from its creator. "Many of us had rather pleasant moments of success. But, we all faced defeat in one manner or another."

"Are you saying we should band together," Seina asked. "Go after that Sagara boy and the Whispered bitches?"

"Is this going to be one of those 'world domination' kind of things?" Gates put his hands behind his neck and leaned back in his chair. "Those are always nice." For some reason, he found himself wishing he was wearing bunny slippers.

"We have to think big," Gauron said. "We tried the Whispered angle. We did the battle between rival secret organizations. We went after revenge and things like that. It's all small stuff."

"_Oh?" _Leonard Testarossa pushed his hair out of his face. "You've found something even bigger. Something the rest of us somehow missed."

"That's right," Gauron said. "If Amalgam had taken this route, they could have done _real_ damage. But, better late than never." He frowned when he heard the chainsaw again. "Be patient, old man. It's not a good idea to end up on my shit list."

Everyone spoke amongst themselves in a gaggle of voices, until Gauron emptied the clip from a pistol into the ceiling above their heads. "Here's the scoop," he said, feeling a surge of satisfaction. There was no doubt whatsoever that this plan would work. Mithril and the combined nations of the world had a snowball's chance in hell of stopping it. "Yaoi." He watched as everyone went silent, stunned. "Yaoi. Yuri. Lesbian action. Boy Love. Stuff like that." He chuckled. "I've put together a list of fan sites. I've gotten pen names for all of you."

"That's truly twisted, even for _you." _Leonard looked disgusted, even though he could be the poster boy for bishounen based on his looks.

"Boys bonking boys!" Gates began dancing around happily. _"How sick!" _He clapped his hands together. **_"I love it!" _**He didn't care if his penchant for the twisted, the bizarre, and the perverse got on everyone's nerves.

"It's more than that," Gauron said. "Before you know it, there will be a growing number of little boys and little girls who love to read about rape, murder, and deviant sex. That will be their 'happy place.' They will look normal on the outside. They won't think that what they're doing is all that weird. They will get really pissed off, if anyone tries to preach to them. No one will know who they are until it's too late."

"I've heard enough." Leonard signaled for the robots to cover his retreat. He fully intended to leave.

"Any one who leaves, or refuses to help write the stuff, will get written about." Gauron chuckled. He saw the silver-haired man's shoulders slump. It took a lot to get to Mister Silver. Then again, this was far more dangerous than nuclear weapons, biological agents, or the Lambda Driver.

"Let's get the revolution started…" Gates started turning over boxes looking for a typewriter.

"Kashim… I love you Honey…" Gauron was already jotting down ideas.

**END**


End file.
